Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

5 Things To Do With A Pumpkin

gusthefox.jpg

Every year you humans go mental and buy loads of pumpkins - even though hardly any you actually like the taste of them - and leave them outside until they're full of tiny little flies. The contents of the pumpkin usually ends up in the bin for people like me who come along, tip your bins out and make a right pig's ear of your driveway. Here are five things I like to do with pumpkins.

Gus The Fox

Smash it

Mash the sh*t out of it and post all the little bits through Gary Lineker's letter box.

Gus The Fox

Stick it on your mate's head

I once stuck a pumpkin on a dog's head and a really old man beat the sh*t out of him with a spade, because he was so scared. The funniest part of the story wasn't the fact that the dog's head had caught fire from the fairy light or the fact that the old man beat it to death with a spade out of fear; the part that made me p*ss myself laughing was that it was actually the old man's guide dog. Magical stuff.

gusthefox

Feed it to a thrush

If, like me, you're mates with a thrush then encourage him to eat loads of pumpkin seeds. This doesn't always work, but once I made a thrush called Ryan Bloom eat a bunch of them. Apparently due to a chemical in a thrush's digestive system, the seed can germinate. After about twelve weeks Ryan was about the same size as a standard Spalding basketball and was in agony, rolling around behind the greenhouse begging to to be put out of his misery because the pumpkin was actually growing inside him. We used to gather around, booting him from one side of the garden to the other whilst he sobbed and screamed for mercy, and we laughed and laughed and laughed. It was the best Halloween ever.

gusthefox

Lob it in the canal

Fill up with mice and lob it into the canal. I've never done this but it sounds like a laugh.

Gus The Fox

Marry it

If it fits, then why not marry it? I once got married to a pumpkin called Lesley Trench. We broke up after her head became full of bees and she started to smell like m*nge.

Related

GUsRex.png

Interview: Gus The Fox

Sniper-fox.jpg

Gus The Fox: Agony Column

dog2.png

Interview: Text From Dog

Comments

More

People who buy organic food could be killing the environment

And it's not any healthier for you either

by Tom Fordy
02 Dec 2016

Here’s what happens to your body a whole day after drinking Red Bull

Red Bull gives you...

by Emily Badiozzaman
23 Nov 2016

The McDonald's Big Mac recipe is about to get a new ingredient

Things will get hot 'n' spicy for the classic burger

by Tom Fordy
16 Nov 2016

The 20 coolest restaurants in Manchester

15 Nov 2016

The most epic and odd McDonald’s meals you can eat around the world

Grab your passport, you've got a new world tour to plan

by David Cornish
14 Nov 2016

The secret of McDonald’s Coke has been revealed

Yes, you weren't wrong - McDonald's really does have the sweetest Coke of all

11 Nov 2016

The Pret Christmas sandwiches are here

And even the vegans get to join in

by David Cornish
08 Nov 2016

Best warm and boozy drinks for winter

Put some fire in your belly

by David Cornish
04 Nov 2016

Best pub in the UK on how to takeover a pub without gentrifying

by Sam Diss
02 Nov 2016

This East London local has just been named Michelin Pub of the Year

by Tom Fordy
31 Oct 2016