Hayley Campbell has some advice on how to improve your dating skills. Involves turning into a fly and wearing an eye-patch
Movies set us up for disappointment, because real life is not like movies – this is a thing people have said a billion times. Your real life is dreary compared to the one on that massive screen in the Vue, isn’t it? Is it? Nah, I dunno. I for one am pretty glad I’m not living on the Planet Of The Apes, and that the ebola virus didn’t end up turning into 28 Days Later, so the bleak death I’d resigned myself to never actually happened. I’m happy that I don’t have to go on some painful nine-hour journey, wearing no shoes, to throw a ring into a fire. But there’s one bit where I wish life actually was like the movies, and that is when it comes to real-life men, because real-life men are lame.
The ratio of time I spend watching films vs dating actual human men is about 100:1, because I have a cat and an internet connection, and real-life men just don’t measure up to either of those. Watch as many movies as I do, and you start to wonder why you bother going out anyway, and then one day you realise you’re welded to your pyjamas, Tinder has become a game of Snap, and you only use Happn to spy on your neighbours.
But you can save women like me from ourselves by being less sh*t. Here are some fictional men you should be more like if you want us to come out of our rooms. Just some objects of my ladyboner affection. Please, stitch all these fictional men together like some kind of Frankenstein’s monster until they cancel each other out and you are scientifically impossible to love because ultimately we don’t know what we want anyway.
(Images: AllStar, Kobal, Rex Features)