Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

The men who ruined 2013

lance-armstrong.jpg

It wasn’t all guts, glory, champagne and strawberries. Michael Hogan recalls the chumps

Justin Bieber

Bieber Fever showed no sign of easing off this year. The Canadian pipsqueak had scraps with paps, wandered shirtless around airports, was so late on-stage his crying fans had gone to bed, and got his capuchin monkey (not a euphemism) confiscated by customs. He also “hoped Anne Frank would have been a Belieber”… as if the poor girl didn’t suffer enough.

James Arthur

The pea-headed X Factor winner proved his brain was in proportion to his skull in November by releasing a song online with homophobic bon mots such as “you f*cking queer”. Amid outrage, Arthur had a series of Twitterspats™, but picked opponents he was unlikely to beat in a battle of wits, including Frankie Boyle and Matt Lucas. He then cancelled public engagements due to ‘exhaustion’. When Olly Murs leaps to your defence, you know you’re in trouble.

Lance Armstrong

The sport of cycling and 80 million LiveStrong wristband-wearers worldwide got booted in the Lycra-clad groin last autumn when the seven-time Tour de France winner was stripped of his titles for doping. The bullying control freak has spent most of 2013 trying to wrestle back his own narrative. The oily Texan gave his first interview to Oprah Winfrey in January and has since moaned about his “massive personal loss of wealth” (world’s smallest violin), claiming his life ban should be reduced, insisting he wants to tell his side of the sordid story. His cameo also ruined Dodgeball for us.

Ashley Young

The Manchester United winger already had a reputation for “going down easily”, but it’s rocketed off the scale this season. All an opponent has to do is give Young a dirty look and he tumbles to the turf, appealing for a penalty. His serial diving has made Young’s stock fall almost as fast as he does. When former boss Fergie gave him a blast of the hairdryer, Young probably got blown over.

Ylvis

Nope, not a typo of Elvis. We mean the Norwegian duo behind teeth-gnashingly annoying novelty hit The Fox (What Does The Fox Say?), AKA this year’s Gangnam Style. This is one fox that deserves to be mercilessly hunted and killed. What does the fox say? “Ouch”, hopefully.

Godfrey Bloom

Ukip is hardly full of bleeding-heart do-gooders, but its MEP Bloom takes the biscotti. This summer, he referred to “bongo bongo land” and dismissed feminism as “a passing fashion”. At the party conference, he referred to his female audience jokingly as “sluts”. Bloom’s protests that it was ledge bantz convinced no one and he lost the party whip. He reacted by hitting journalist Michael Crick over the head.

Iain Duncan Smith

In April, the Secretary Of State For Work & Pensions said he could live on £53 like a benefits claimant. Even a petition couldn’t make him try it. In August, he claimed the demand for food banks was just due to increased awareness. Leaked documents show IDS is now focusing on “how to make it harder for sick and disabled people to claim”. Nice guy.

(Image: Rex Features)

Related

men11.jpg

Men Of The Year: Chris Hemsworth

men14.jpg

Men Of The Year: Chris Froome

men2.jpg

Men Of The Year: James Blake

Comments

More

Gary Barlow has revealed he'll be in the next Star Wars movie

Take that, Vader! Or something

by Gary Ogden
27 Mar 2017

Manchester United fans are desperately hoping this new kit isn't real

This is absolutely terrible

by Dave Fawbert
27 Mar 2017

'Westworld' showrunners clear up big question about season one

They've also had to change the season two plot because people on Reddit guessed it

by Alex Finnis
27 Mar 2017

Jermain Defoe shares heartwarming photos of Bradley Lowery's day

I've got something in my eye

by Dave Fawbert
27 Mar 2017

Fan manages to outdo his amazing dunk with even better celebration

This clip has got everything

by Dave Fawbert
27 Mar 2017

All 20 Premier League clubs as Formula 1 cars

Which club looks best on the track?

by Tristan Cross
24 Mar 2017

GI Joe is getting another reboot, but this time it's 'millennial'

Hasbro isn't saying what that means, but we're assuming the Joes will be drinking lattes while refusing to save for a house

by Tom Mendelsohn
24 Mar 2017

The new film from the guy behind 'In Bruges' looks brilliant

Even the trailer's hilarious

by Gary Ogden
24 Mar 2017

Piers Morgan is wearing a Tottenham shirt for Comic Relief

No Piers on Twitter - relish this day

by Matt Tate
24 Mar 2017

13 amazing garage bangers that were hidden away as album tracks

Make this the soundtrack to your summer

by Gary Ogden
24 Mar 2017