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How not to be a jerk during the Euros (if you don't like football)

Football, as a sport, is fine. Kicking things is fun, and teamwork is nice, and I’ve heard great things about exercise, but the world around the professional game just seems mad and confusing and boring and impossible to keep up with. So I don’t like football. I don’t like it, I don’t watch it, I don’t know anything about it.

Like, Game of Thrones sometimes gets confusing because of its huge cast and multiple sprawling plotlines, but compared to football it’s incredibly straightforward. Football is like if Game of Thrones was two hours long, broadcast ten times a week for nine months of the year (often on two channels at once, so you had to check what was happening in King’s Landing on your phone while watching what was going on in Dorne), with a cast of thousands, all men, mostly not very likeable and fairly similar-looking. And it was on season f*cking 200. And none of the characters ever died, they just sometimes moved over to the Spanish version of the show, Juego Des Tronos. It’s incomprehensible.

The Euros are fun though – there’s an easy-to-understand tournament structure, it only takes a month, and if you live in England, Wales or Northern Ireland it’s fairly easy to work out who to support. Plus it’s a really good excuse to knock off work at 2pm to go to the pub and get drunk all afternoon, which is a wonderful thing. I’m looking forward to getting drawn into it. If you’re a stranger to football, however, it’s all too easy to accidentally be a massive dickhead. Spare yourself some pain by following these simple rules…

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