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Ross Noble's strangest moments

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For most of us, encountering the surreal normally involves turning on the TV around 8pm on a Saturday night and watching The X-Factor. For comedian Ross Noble, however, life is forever throwing the bizarre at him. To celebrate the release of his new DVD, Ross Noble's Things we sat down with the funny man to find out his five strangest moments.

The Stephen Hawking Impression.

I used to do a Stephen Hawking impression during some of my shows. About three years ago I crashed my bike and broke my wrist, I was in quite a lot of pain. When the paramedics arrived, and I took my helmet off, the younger of the paramedics saw my face and went, "ha ha, brilliant."

Which is not what you want to hear when you've had a bad crash. He said, "Go on, do Stephen Hawking". The older guy had no idea what was going on about. I was so desperate for pain killers, I started doing the Stephen Hawking impression on the floor. When they put the oxygen mask on me, it looked like the breathing tubes Stephen has (laughs), and I thought, this is a great prop!

Drug paraphernalia

I came off my motorbike about five or six years ago and dislocated my shoulder and broke my arm. So the doctors decided to give me ketamine. At first they gave me a dose of morphine, which is meant to make you a bit drowsy, but it didn't.

So the nurse said, "we're just going to give you a bit of ketamine to calm you down." So I took this, and as I sat there, I had this weird feeling of not knowing where my face was. I knew that I thought from my brain, but I couldn't remember if there was a face and then a brain, or whether I was just a brain. While all this was going on, the police woman was going through my bag to try and find the keys to my bike. She was going through my bag and found some spoons.

The thing is I like a yoghurt, and I regularly stop at service stations and buy yoghurt, but they never have spoons, so I carry a couple of metal spoons in my bag. So she finds these spoons and instantly thinks I'm a druggie, and said, "drug paraphernalia". In my head I thought I'd said to her, "I'm not a druggie, I just carry cutlery with me for when I stop for a snack" but what I realised was I was slumped in a wheelchair stroking my face, going "I like yoghurt, I like yoghurt, I LIKE YOGHURT".

Doctor’s orders

I was out bike riding, my mate wanted to ride my bike so I rode his bike, and basically, it didn't have hand guards on it. So I hit this tree and broke my hand. But I thought I'd just bruised it. But instead of seeing a doctor, I took a picture and tweeted it, and said "do you think this is broken?" Almost 99 per cent of people who tweeted me back said, "nah, if you can move your fingers it's just bruised".

So I left it, and went out again. I'd rode my bike about three times after this point with a broken hand, then a week later, I was off riding again, and this time it was really starting to hurt. So I went to the doctor and he X-rayed it and said, "when did you break this the first time?" I said, "what do you mean the first time?"

I'd actually been wondering around for about ten days using it and then riding with it, and then snapped it a second time. I said, "oh, everyone said it was just a bruise." He said, "who's everyone?" and I said, "oh I took a photo of it and put it on Twitter" and this is a medically trained doctor, he said to me, "you're a f**king idiot."

Kidnapping

I was once kidnapped, in Wolverhampton. I was getting a train, this would've been 93/94, I was off to do a gig, but there was a huge delay at the station, and there was this woman there that was dropping somebody off then she said, "oh I'll give you a lift".

She must have been in her late sixties, wearing sandals, and had feet that were like claws, these enormous claw like nails. She offered me a lift, and I thought, "a nice old lady with claws for feet, how bad can that be?" As we were driving back she said, "Oh I've just got to drop round the house, I'd like you to meet my daughter, she's a recovering heroin addict."

So I went to meet her, and she had this daughter, who was clearly on methadone, lying round the house, and she said, "oh I've brought someone to see you to cheer you up." I think she thought I was a comedian and that I was going to lift her spirits. So I had this weird conversation with this young lass, who was clearly in a bad way with all bits of hair missing while the claw woman stood there going, "go on then, entertain her." After several hours entertaining this strange woman's daughter, she dropped me off and said goodbye.

Ross Noble's Things is available from November 29. Purchase it here.

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