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How to survive the end of Glastonbury


So, it's over for another year, and after five days of sunshine, mud, pure hedonism, flag waving, dubious scrumpy and arguing about Coldplay, it's time to face the grim reality of everyday life.

It's not an easy transition. Particularly when, to paraphrase Mr Jarvis Cocker, you "seem to have left an important part of your brain somewhere in a field in Somerset".

But never fear, we are here. Take it slowly, read our guide, and you'll be smiling as much as Adele in no time.

Wash - Carefully

Muddy Legs

There's no easy way to put it, but after spending five days in a field normally occupied by cows, with access to deodorant and washing facilities as scarce as nutritious food, you are going to stink. The civilized world is, unfortunately, less forgiving of poor personal hygiene than Worthy Farm so, first things first, get in that shower (do NOT have a bath, just trust us), allow yourself a good hour, and get scrubbing.

But scrub gently: a slightly too-vigorous leg clean after 2005's mudfest Glasto took almost all of ShortList's leg hair off as the crusted mud particles refused to let go without clinging on to something, so be gentle with yourselves.

NB. If that 'hilarious' 'Jon Bovi for life' 'temporary' tattoo you got done in the healing fields at 2am on Saturday night isn't coming off, then try not to worry. You absolutely should be worried, but you're in no position to do anything about it, so just stay calm for now.

Don't go back to work too soon

Work problem

This man didn't listen to our advice and has just accidentally deleted the whole internet

You may not know it quite yet, but your fine motor skills will have been seriously affected by your time in Pilton. And logic will have gone out of the window. Don't be tempted to rush back to work; and if it's too late and you're already there, don't even attempt to do anything too difficult.

And don't feel guilty about it: it'll take you twice as long to undo all of the damage you'll unleash by doing any actual work, so really you're saving your employers money in the long-run. You should probably get a bonus really.


Water girl

It might have seemed like industrial strength scrumpy and boxes of red wine were aiding your brain function, but once you're walking on concrete again, you'll soon discover that the effect was very much temporary. To make every other part of this guide even vaguely possible, get rehydrating that noggin and upping your ability to stand up without help by drinking as much water as you possibly can.

Put your tent, sleeping bag and wellies out to dry


Yes, we know that probably the last thing you want to do, having spent four hours trying to pack the bloody thing away, is get your tent out again. But it is probably dirty, damp and smelly (a bit like you). Put it up in the garden, or leave it to hang on the washing line along with your sleeping bag, and you'll avoid them rotting. Plus it'll be nice for the next time you use it. Given the glorious weather expected this week, it should take about ten minutes and it'll be right as rain.

Eat some vegetables for God's sake


Hear that internal sound of crying, wailing and hopeless desperation? That's your body pleading with you to give it some nutrients. Man cannot live by burger and kebab alone, that's what it says in The Bible, remember?

(Images: Shutterstock)



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