Not all horror movies are Ronsealian masters of suspense. To poke a little fun this Halloween, we've listed 13 of the most ridiculous horror flicks.
All come with a no-hiding-behind-a-cushion guarantee.
No one likes going to the laundrette, but the idea that a possessed laundry mangler could ever be scary is frightening. And not in the manner that director Tobe Hopper would like it to be frightening. Not even arch horror icon Robert (Freddy Krueger) Englund can rescue this mess.
Eat yourself thinner: the mantra of many a two-bit diet fad. But in this adaptation of a Stephen King novel (as is The Mangler), an obese man does lose weight with alarming speed despite gorging himself. Of course he’s been cursed by a 109-year-old gypsy for killing the gypsy’s daughter (he ran her over while his wife performed oral sex on him). Confused? Yeah. Scared? Not a bit.
Want to know the scariest thing about 1993’s unscary Leprechaun? Jennifer Aniston’s nose. Made a year before she sprang to fame in Friends, it features a pre-nose job Aniston. Looking back it’s a wonder that nose didn’t beat off the sadistic Leprechaun searching for its pot of gold itself. It certainly gave us the heebie jeebies.
We can all agree that spas are evil, soulless places, full of evil, soulless people. However, that’s not to say that they deserve to die in the most cartoonish way possible. Yet that seems to be the premise to Death Spa. Gives new meaning to the phrase killer workout. We're here all week.
The next time some smart Alec health nut starts extolling the virtues of some probiotic active cultures yoghurt point them in the direction of The Stuff. America is under threat from a killer yoghurt. Sure, it’s about as scary as Peppa The Pig, but anything to put the mockers on them health conscious do-gooders. Send them to Death Spa!
The Killer Shrews
Any film that includes the following description in its trailer can’t be all bad: ‘Shrews as small as rats; perfect for scientific experiments, until they begin to grow and grow. Into THINGS!’ The problem being of course, The Killer Shrews wasn’t meant to be a comedy. Although made in 1959 we doubt it was scary then either. These days its considered a cult classic. That’s the problem with the phrase cult classic; it’s often a euphemism for rather pony.
Horror movies often work on the premise that you take the least scary thing in the world – in this case a gingerbread man – and transform it into a gun-toting, sadistic wild thing. But in no way is a gingerbread man scary – not even calling it the Gingerdead Man can achieve that. Granted, any film featuring Gary Busey is pretty scary, but a lawless gingerbread man? That just takes the, ahem, biscuit. Mind you, it did spawn the hilariously titled sequel, Gingerdead Man 2: Passion of the Crust.
Describing something as the worst movie ever made is some claim. Have these people not seen Guy Ritchie’s Revolver? Anyway, enough people have hoisted that accolade upon 1990’s Troll 2, including its child star Michael Stephenson, who, as an adult made a documentary about the film and called it, Best Worst Movie. So maybe it’s true. Whatever it is, it certainly isn’t scary. Laughable? Yes. Wooden? Undoubtedly. Scary? Never.
Dolls are a reliable horror trope – cute and cuddly on the outside, so often malicious murderous underneath. Such is the plot of Pinocchio’s Revenge. A little girl begins a sinful relationship with a wooden toy and her mum – a lawyer – just can’t understand why. Shockingly bad, but not shocking.
Ask any parent about their greatest fear and they’ll reply something happening to their child. Understandable. So imagine as parents hiring a nanny who turns out to be a tree-worshipping nutjob. Not good. Nor is The Guardian, a film that, unsurprisingly, is concerned with such a theme. Directed by William (The Exorcist) Friedkin, you’d think The Guardian would stand a chance of scaring folk. It doesn’t, and Friedkin tried to distance himself from the film. If you have the misfortune of watching it, you’ll understand why.
The Wicker Man
The original Wicker Man is one of the greatest psychological thrillers of all time. The remake is not. In fact the only thing the 2006 Hollywood version resembles is a broken pencil: pointless. Even the film’s star Nicolas Cage has acknowledged the absurdity of it all. Where the original really got under your skin and in your head, this just merely rubs up against you in annoying fashion while wearing a bear suit and screaming about the bees. Avoid.
As implausible plots go, possessed lifts is a killer. Quite literally in The Shaft. Starring Naomi Watts (pre-fame) and James Marshall (post-fame), The Shaft is a remake of Dutch horror classic De Lift. Sadly, that’s where the similarities being and end. A risible script, lack of tension and horrendous acting meant this film was doomed from conception. Funnily enough, it’s also known as Down, which coincidentally is the direction in which everyone who’s seen the film has pointed their thumbs.
As the Nightmare on Elm Street franchise has shown us, falling asleep can be a very dangerous thing to do in horror films. But while the threat of a sharp-fingered child molester infecting nightmares provided genuine scares (for at least one film), the thought of a killer bed managed to do the literal opposite. In this clip from Death Bed, the homicidal four poster also greedily steals a whole bucket of fried chicken and some red wine. No, really.