Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

The saddest thing about the Oscars was 100% Matt Damon

matt-damon.PNG

Look at that face. On a surface level it’s completely and utterly neutral. He doesn’t care, it was Leo’s award. Matt Damon knew that he wasn’t going to win it months ago. He never even stood a chance.

Imagine the months and months of knowing that you’d been nominated for such a prestigious award, one that you really really want and yet from the off everyone is already saying it’s going to Leonardo DiCaprio.

Imagine the pain of knowing that this was potentially the performance of your career, one where you pretty much played the whole thing solo. A role that you actually had to get trapped alone on Mars to even get nominated for, a true story no less, where you had to learn how to grow potatoes out of faeces in a completely inhospitable environment. But the Academy, in their infinite (definitely not predisposed) wisdom decided to give it to a man who was simply cold for two and a half hours.

Burying the pain deep inside, Matt Damon probably came to terms with the fact that he wasn’t going to win a long time ago. But then, just before he got to the venue, freshly fitted inside that sweet tuxedo, he thought – what if? What if everyone is wrong and this is mine? And this seed of hope blossomed during the short limo ride to the show, turning into a tree of victory. By the time he had sat in his chair he’d already won the award. Internally practising his awards speech every time he went to the loo, which was probably many times as The Oscars is a long ceremony and the drinks are plentiful.

Then hearing that syllabically pleasing name announced to the masses, the 'cellar door' of acting names: Leonardo DiCaprio. Feeling that vibrant victory tree decompose into a hot flush of red bursting into your cheeks, visible only on your pursed, spittle covered lips and those empty eyes. ‘I did this to myself,’ he’s thinking, ‘I did it to myself, trapped in my own self-indulgence. I will never dream again, for dreaming is for losers.’

The pathetic back slaps from your friends and colleagues, "Don't worry about it Matt, it's just one of those years... plus, it's not like you don't already have an Oscar, sure you shared it with Ben Affleck but you're basically the same person anyway so it's more or less just your award." Staring back at them glassy eyed and nodding, Matt Damon, briefly considering to never act again, nonchalantly shrugging in that Matt Damon way. Good ol' classy Matt Damon, handsome and strong like the bear that finally propelled Leonardo DiCaprio to Oscar winning glory.

"Come on Matt, lets go get a drink... awards don't mean anything anyway," said Ben Afleck. Probably.

"Na, you're alright, I'm pretty hungry to be honest, I think I might get off and get some food. It's late, I'm tired, I didn't sleep very well last night. I guess I was just too excited for Leo. I just want to eat and crash out, shall I book us an Uber?"

"Erm... no, you go ahead, I think I'll stick around for a bit. Leo's probably having some kind of sweet party with all those supermodels and Tobey Maguire..."

"But, Ben we could talk about that screenplay..."

"Ah, come on Matt, you know how great Leo's parties are... next weekend?

"Sure, we could watch the game or something..."

"Sure, Matt, sure, we'll watch the game."

Related

1.jpg

The full list of 2016's Oscar winners

Bard.jpg

Hilarious Honest Movie Trailers edit for the Oscar nominees

1.jpg

The 10 greatest moments of the Oscars 2016

1.jpg

Chris Rock's opening Oscar monologue tackled the race issue superbly

2.jpg

'The bear' from The Revenant showed up at The Oscars

oscar.jpg

Sex toys and boob jobs: what's really in the £200k Oscars goodie bag

Comments

More

Ray Winstone on family, feminism and how film stars have changed

His wilder years may be behind him, but a return to his roots has given Ray Winstone a new lease of life

by Jimi Famurewa
27 Apr 2017

Watch Mindhorn for FREE with ShortList Film Club

Check out the new film starring Julian Barratt

27 Apr 2017

M. Night Shyamalan announces sequels to Split and Unbreakable

*SPOILERS INSIDE*

by Gary Ogden
27 Apr 2017

Julian Barratt on jazz, memes, and the Chuckle Brothers

We spoke to the "miserable, slightly pretentious" comedian

by Ralph Jones
27 Apr 2017

John Boyega photobombing hardcore Star Wars fans is essential viewing

The man knows to make an entrance

by Matt Tate
26 Apr 2017

Heath Ledger's sister talks about her brother in tender new interview

Kate Ledger gently refutes claims that his role as the joker led to his fatal overdose

by Tom Mendelsohn
26 Apr 2017

Jeff Goldblum set up a free food giveaway for the sake of a 6/10 pun

It's all in the delivery

by Tom Victor
26 Apr 2017

Great news alert: Jeff Goldblum is returning to the Jurassic Park fran

Ian Malcolm is back back back

by Gary Ogden
26 Apr 2017

Wes Anderson’s Isle of Dogs has a release date and new poster

Just look at the names on that poster

by Tom Victor
26 Apr 2017

Watch Chris Pratt confess his love for a bacon sandwich

Haven't we all at one point?

by Matt Tate
25 Apr 2017