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I watched controversial cannibal horror film 'Raw' and didn't puke because I'm a bloody legend

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There’s a film making multi-coloured, chunky waves at the moment, because it’s so disgusting – they even handed out sick bags at screenings of it at a cinema in the US. When it was shown at the Toronto Film Festival, paramedics had to be called because more than one person had a funny turn. BUT GUESS WHAT, LOSERS, I watched it last night and I didn’t puke, because I’m a stone-cold, Mr Cool Ice, tough-nut legend.

The story follows a vegetarian veterinary student who develops an unfortunate taste for human flesh after eating a rabbit kidney during a hazing task. Things get increasingly gloopy as the film progresses, but at no point did I puke because I’m such a legend that it’s physically debilitating in almost every possible way.

If you don’t believe how much of a legend I am, here’s some proof:

SPOILERS AHEAD

There’s a bit where a girl eats a raw rabbit’s kidney – NEWSFLASH, BOZO, I didn’t puke because I’m a musclebound, slicked-back legend.

There’s a bit where a girl eats a raw chicken breast – No way Jose, no puking to be found here, because I am a storm-proof, shirt-in-tatters, 0-60mph in under a second, legend.

There’s a bit where they slice open an actual, real dog (don’t worry it’s dead) and all its guts fall out in glistening HD – Oh, you puked? I didn’t, because I’m a 10,000-decibel, screeching, squawking, roaring, howling, bewailing, ear-plug snatching legend.

A girl pulls an endless supply of hair out of her throat – Oh, haha, I was close, but did’nae puke, because, yes, you guessed it, I’m a flame-grilled legend, preheated to 200°C, Gas Mark 6.

A girl sucks a load of blood out of a dying man’s gaping head wound – Woah, Nelly, I may have felt a tad queasy and come dangerously close to a single retch, but I didn’t go the whole hog, because if you say “legend” three times while looking in the mirror, I will appear behind you and NOT PUKE.

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A girl scratches at a vile skin rash in intense, close-up detail and the sound is enough to make you want to tear your ears off – But you think I puked? No siree dawg, I ain’t about that puking life – I’m about that legend life. I’m Tom Cruise, Mia Sara and Tim Curry all rolled into one. I can play both Kray twins at the same time with my eyes shut.

There is a very magnified, intense pubic hair waxing scene – I crossed my legs, sure, I may even have grabbed my thigh overly tightly, but if any of you even think about saying I puked, I’ll go spare. The Legend Alarm will sound and I shall go ape.

Really, there are just loads of scenes of people eating flesh in lurid detail – Sure, I squirmed, I gritted my teeth, I breathed extremely heavily, I may even have audibly said “Jesus”, but puking has been outlawed in the apocalyptic wasteland that is my life. It’s apocalyptic because everyone but the legends died many moons ago. I am the only one left alive.

END OF SPOILERS

So yeah, Raw is foul, vile, unnerving, potentially explicit, shocking, un-PC, odorous, revolting, disorientating and altogether rather nauseating, but I didn’t puke, yo, because I’m a bloody legend.

Seriously though, go and see Raw, because it’s pretty fantastic in almost every possible way. Best to take a sick bag with you though – I know what you’re like, poindexter.

It’s out in cinemas on 7 April.

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