Jump to Main ContentJump to Primary Navigation
Top

I watched controversial cannibal horror film 'Raw' and didn't puke because I'm a bloody legend

raw3.jpg

There’s a film making multi-coloured, chunky waves at the moment, because it’s so disgusting – they even handed out sick bags at screenings of it at a cinema in the US. When it was shown at the Toronto Film Festival, paramedics had to be called because more than one person had a funny turn. BUT GUESS WHAT, LOSERS, I watched it last night and I didn’t puke, because I’m a stone-cold, Mr Cool Ice, tough-nut legend.

The story follows a vegetarian veterinary student who develops an unfortunate taste for human flesh after eating a rabbit kidney during a hazing task. Things get increasingly gloopy as the film progresses, but at no point did I puke because I’m such a legend that it’s physically debilitating in almost every possible way.

If you don’t believe how much of a legend I am, here’s some proof:

SPOILERS AHEAD

There’s a bit where a girl eats a raw rabbit’s kidney – NEWSFLASH, BOZO, I didn’t puke because I’m a musclebound, slicked-back legend.

There’s a bit where a girl eats a raw chicken breast – No way Jose, no puking to be found here, because I am a storm-proof, shirt-in-tatters, 0-60mph in under a second, legend.

There’s a bit where they slice open an actual, real dog (don’t worry it’s dead) and all its guts fall out in glistening HD – Oh, you puked? I didn’t, because I’m a 10,000-decibel, screeching, squawking, roaring, howling, bewailing, ear-plug snatching legend.

A girl pulls an endless supply of hair out of her throat – Oh, haha, I was close, but did’nae puke, because, yes, you guessed it, I’m a flame-grilled legend, preheated to 200°C, Gas Mark 6.

A girl sucks a load of blood out of a dying man’s gaping head wound – Woah, Nelly, I may have felt a tad queasy and come dangerously close to a single retch, but I didn’t go the whole hog, because if you say “legend” three times while looking in the mirror, I will appear behind you and NOT PUKE.

r

A girl scratches at a vile skin rash in intense, close-up detail and the sound is enough to make you want to tear your ears off – But you think I puked? No siree dawg, I ain’t about that puking life – I’m about that legend life. I’m Tom Cruise, Mia Sara and Tim Curry all rolled into one. I can play both Kray twins at the same time with my eyes shut.

There is a very magnified, intense pubic hair waxing scene – I crossed my legs, sure, I may even have grabbed my thigh overly tightly, but if any of you even think about saying I puked, I’ll go spare. The Legend Alarm will sound and I shall go ape.

Really, there are just loads of scenes of people eating flesh in lurid detail – Sure, I squirmed, I gritted my teeth, I breathed extremely heavily, I may even have audibly said “Jesus”, but puking has been outlawed in the apocalyptic wasteland that is my life. It’s apocalyptic because everyone but the legends died many moons ago. I am the only one left alive.

END OF SPOILERS

So yeah, Raw is foul, vile, unnerving, potentially explicit, shocking, un-PC, odorous, revolting, disorientating and altogether rather nauseating, but I didn’t puke, yo, because I’m a bloody legend.

Seriously though, go and see Raw, because it’s pretty fantastic in almost every possible way. Best to take a sick bag with you though – I know what you’re like, poindexter.

It’s out in cinemas on 7 April.

Related

Screen Shot 2017-03-23 at 13.34.17.png

Cinema hands out sick bags to people watching new cannibal horror film

rexfeatures_6532907l.jpg

Mads Mikkelsen on superhero style, Star Wars and real-life cannibalism

it.jpg

Say goodbye to your pants: here's the trailer for 'IT'

Comments

More

Ray Winstone on family, feminism and how film stars have changed

His wilder years may be behind him, but a return to his roots has given Ray Winstone a new lease of life

by Jimi Famurewa
27 Apr 2017

Watch Mindhorn for FREE with ShortList Film Club

Check out the new film starring Julian Barratt

27 Apr 2017

M. Night Shyamalan announces sequels to Split and Unbreakable

*SPOILERS INSIDE*

by Gary Ogden
27 Apr 2017

Julian Barratt on jazz, memes, and the Chuckle Brothers

We spoke to the "miserable, slightly pretentious" comedian

by Ralph Jones
27 Apr 2017

John Boyega photobombing hardcore Star Wars fans is essential viewing

The man knows to make an entrance

by Matt Tate
26 Apr 2017

Heath Ledger's sister talks about her brother in tender new interview

Kate Ledger gently refutes claims that his role as the joker led to his fatal overdose

by Tom Mendelsohn
26 Apr 2017

Jeff Goldblum set up a free food giveaway for the sake of a 6/10 pun

It's all in the delivery

by Tom Victor
26 Apr 2017

Great news alert: Jeff Goldblum is returning to the Jurassic Park fran

Ian Malcolm is back back back

by Gary Ogden
26 Apr 2017

Wes Anderson’s Isle of Dogs has a release date and new poster

Just look at the names on that poster

by Tom Victor
26 Apr 2017

Watch Chris Pratt confess his love for a bacon sandwich

Haven't we all at one point?

by Matt Tate
25 Apr 2017