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Breakup advice from men who got out with no emotional scars

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A lot of breakups happen around the festive season. Some people just can’t deal with the stress. Some people just can’t be arsed to pay for presents. Whatever the reason you get dumped for, spending Christmas without someone to spoon after getting destroyed in Monopoly by a younger sibling can be devastating.

But if you’ve just had your heart smashed into tiny little pieces recently, it’s not the end of the world. Don’t go spitting at random couples in the street just yet. Instead, we’ve rounded up expert advice from guys* in the ShortList office who have been there and managed to come out on the other side in one piece.

*Some names have been kept private to keep the sanctity of their existing relationships

Just say yes

Yeah

“After you have realised the world hasn’t ended, get off your arse. Get a pint. Talk to friends. Talk to strangers. And say yes to pretty much everything.”

Anon, 27

Put them on mute

Mute

“Deleting them off social media is too dramatic. Just mute them instead. It’s going to be embarrassing adding them again if you ever make up.”

Tristan Cross, 24

The 5-step programme

Swingers

“My personal getting-over-a-break-up routine is simple and fool-proof: 1) watch Swingers 2) go to bed early 3) go to the gym and do so much rowing that you nearly die 4) eat healthily 5) go for lots of pints with your mates and do a big open-heart, there’s-no-judgement-here sessions.

“Boom. You are cured.

Anon, 26

Let the hate flow through you

500

“If you’re really cut up, and there’s zero chance or reconciliation, it can help to find a small reason to dislike your ex. Then obsess on that tiny niggle and incubate it, until it becomes a flaming ball of hatred - something terminal to any lingering hopes you might have had. Nobody misses someone they detest.”

Andrew Dickens, 40

Enjoy your freedom

Free

“Enjoy being able to do WHATEVER YOU WANT again. Want to wear that awful shirt that she never liked? Get it back on and strut about like the peacock you know you are.”

Dave Fawbert, 34

Try something new

Dogging

“Was your main activity as a couple eating crisps in bed watching repeats of your favourite Netflix show? Then, in the nicest way possible, you need to get a life. Go running, go to a book club, go to a cooking class, go dogging, whatever, just put yourself out of your comfort zone and try something new. It’s a great way meet people too, because bars are just full of sociopaths and weirdos.”

Jamie Carson, 26

Moz understands

Morrissey

“Listen to Radiohead and The Smiths, just to remind yourself that you’re not the first, and you won’t be the last. Uncle Moz understands.”

Dave Fawbert, 34

Do you even lift?

Hulk
“Get extremely hench. Exercise means endorphins and endorphins means being happy. And then being fit means looking fit and you know what looking fit means…”
 
Anon, 30

The T word

Tinder

“Pay for Tinder Plus (which is like regular Tinder, but on crack). A dog photo is essential, make a stupid joke about being the guy who paints the H on helicopter pads in your bio, and don’t waste Superlikes on girls that are out of your league.”

Anon, 25

Dear diary

Burn
“Start writing a diary. Get it all out of you, get it all out of your system, right, and then, yeah, then burn the diary.”
 

Put it in perspective

Breakup

"If it's a particularly painful and dramatic breakup, it will feel like the world has ended. It hasn't (and if it does end, it will be entirely unrelated to your personal emotional crisis). There's always someone better out there for you. There's always something incredible just waiting to happen around the corner. Once you understand the breakup is just one event in your life - and with many more to come - you can move on."

Tom Fordy, 33

There’s no place like home

Home

“Nothing will mend your shattered heart faster than your mother’s home cooking, smashing a few cans with your dad and retreating back to a childlike state of ignorance while your feet poke out of the end of your old single bed.”

Anon, 28

Don’t jump back in too quickly

Dive

“You may want to flaunt how “happy” and “fine” you are across every single social media platform including MySpace and Bebo, but don't dive straight back into another relationship. You might’ve been laying the ground work with Jill from your office for the last couple of months, but give yourself some space for a good few weeks. You’ll just become part of a vicious circle if not.”

Anon, 26

Texting and alcohol just don’t match

Breakup 2

“Whatever you do, never mind what your brain tells you after nine pints of Stella, do not text them. Tell your mates this before you go out, or even give your phone to them for safekeeping.”

Anon, 30

 

Get over it...literally

“Listen to Get Over It by OK Go on repeat.”

Chris Sayer, 27

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